Bellyn Girls: August 2011

This is my first blog post here. I am hoping to write regular blogs with the going on's of the life of me. I'm not one of those people who 'has a way with words', but i write it as i would say it.

I am a mummy of two gorgeous little girls. My eldest, Bella, turned 3 on Sunday and my baby, Brooklyn, is nearly 5 and a half months old.
When Bella was 1year old i went to my Doctor as i was crying ALOT, mood swings, not coping, no energy, no desire to get out of the house and generally unhappy. The doctor told me that i was suffering from Postnatal Depression (PND). A number of things went through my mind. At first i didn't want to tell anyone as i was ashamed. But once i started talking to others about it, i realised just how common it was.
Hopefully by telling you all this, i may help at least one other mum open up.

After the birth of my second baby, things got really bad again. It got to the point where i was on the verge of running away. I simply didn't want to be a mum anymore. I felt my girls deserved more from their mummy and deserved better than me. The simple task of cooking a meal, tidying up, doing washing, dishes.. they all seemed too much. Everything became so overwhelming that i didn't think i could handle it anymore. The feelings of inadequacy that came from not being able to find the energy to do the things that every other mum does, just makes the whole situation worse. Thanks to the support of my mum, she kept on at me to get back to the doctor and get something done.
While i don't want to be on medication forever, it has helped to keep those thoughts of inadequacy at bay. I am very excited to now be seeing a psychologist. It is so nice to have someone to talk to about the things i may be feeling and knowing that i won't be judged.
My task this week was to make a meal plan and shopping list. Even something as simple as this helps to relieve so much pressure in my day. Not having to think about that one small task each day is one less stress.

Broken sleep is absolute torture for me. Both my girls have had extremely bad colds all of last week and Brooklyn still has the tail end of it. So it has been a tough week. BUT, while 2am feeds may be difficult, looking down at my baby girl, watching her sleep in my arms and smelling her sweet milky breath, it is simply INTOXICATING. I am sure most of you may have heard of Lilah Sophie and her Facebook page. A little girl taken from this earth far too early. But living in her memory means to treasure every moment you have with your children.
I saw this little poem splattered around facebook today and thought it was so appropriate..

Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there,
Ours boasts of it quite openly, the signs are everywhere,
For smears are on the windows, little smudges on the door,
I should apologize I guess for toys shewn on the floor,
But I sat down with the children and we played and laughed and read,
......And if the windows do not shine, their eyes will shine instead,
And when at times I'm forced to choose the one job or the other,
I want to be a housewife, but first I'll be a mother.

I am taking baby steps and in time i will learn to handle the duties of a housewife as well as being the best mother i can be. In the meantime, i have my mum. I owe alot to her. More than money could ever buy. She pulls me up when i am down and often has to kick me into gear. She does my dishes and my washing and helps me look after the girls when she visits. I don't say this anywhere often enough.. Thank you mum. I love you and you mean the world to me.

Once my girls go to bed at night, i love to crochet. It is the little bit of time i get to do something for myself, not to mention the sense of pride i get seeing my girls wearing something i made for them. It keeps my mind focused on things other than my silly thoughts.

Hopefully i have helped some of you understand the thoughts in the mind of a mum with PND.

My girls will always come first in my life and i will do whatever it takes to keep them happy and feeling loved. They are my loves, my life, my everything. They are the reason i drag myself out of bed every morning no matter how i am feeling. I adore them more than words can express. Becoming a mother is the greatest challenge i have ever faced, but it is the most rewarding and amazing thing and i would not have taken it on if i weren't willing to take all the up's and down's that came with it.

I will leave you with this quote..

"Please excuse the mess... The children are making memories"

Sarah xx